Saturday, February 11, 2012

uzun icmek kesin icmek

ben bu gece biraz sarhosum. istiyorum ki su sarhos halimle buraya bir seyler yazayim.

bu gece, bir raki masasinda 10 - 15 arkadas beraberdik. her ne kadar son senelerde üc dört kisiyi asmayan toplantilara katilmayi tercih etsem de bu aksam bir istisnaydi ve ben böylesine kalabalik bir masada kendimi, senelerin benden götürdüklerini, benden götüremedikleri, düsünürken buldum.

biz öyle bir masaydik ki bu masada yeni evli ciftler vardi, yeni dogmus cocuklarinin heyecanini yasayanlar vardi, kendilerini islerine adayan, sirf bu meslek asklari yüzünden masaya gec katilanlar vardi. öyle saniyorum ki, bizler, bir masa cevresinde gecmiste oldugu gibi bugun de bulusabilen ancak yasamin gerceklerine her gecen gün biraz daha fazla uyum gösteren, biraz daha fazla boyun egen, tuhafliklarini her gecen gün biraz daha fazla törpüleyen trajik varliklardik.

hemen arka masamizda, bizdeki siradanlagin, sakinliğin, bir cesit oturmuslugun aksine ele avuca sigmayan, cilgin mi cilgin bir grup genc vardi. elbette, gecenin büyük bir bölümünü onlari gözlemleyerek gecirdim. oralarda, onlarin yaninda unuttugum bir sey mi var acaba diye hüzünlendim, onlarin yanina mi gecmeyelim, istedigim hala bu mu diye kendime ictenlikle sordum. düsüncenin, düsünmenin, herhangi bir konuda kafa patlatmanin nasil bir sey oldugunu ögrenenler icin kafalarinin bir hayli daginik oldugu yüzlerinden bile belli olanlar ne kadar ilgi cekici olabilirler ki diye dusundum.

o sirada tam karsimda, dikkat cekici göz makyaji, belki bir gece önce silinmis ojeleri ve kizila calan dalgali saclariyla bizim masaya seslenen, söyledikleri sarkilara bizden de katilim bekleyen bir kiz gördüm. gülümsedim ona, bir yudum daha raki ictim, senelerin hizla gectigini düsündüm.

beyoglu'nda sarapcilarla sabahlamamdan korkan ve alkolik olmani istemiyorum diye diye benden kopan sevdiklerim oldu. aradan gecen onca zamanda, alkolik olmadim belki ama hala o son birayi sokaklarda icmeye devam ediyorum. gecmise sahip cikmaktir belki bunun adi, belki hic büyüyememek, belki sokaklarda bira icmeyi sevmektir tek nedeni.

hayat devam ediyor, kendimi anlama cabasi ve kendimle yüzlesme istegi hic bitmiyor.

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